My sheets look like a crime scene.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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