I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
