all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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