1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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