I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
