I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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