My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
