Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize