we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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