Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
God, I missed his penis.
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