Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
