I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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