I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
