If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
