I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
