I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
