I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
