dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
