Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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