Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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