can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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