Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
