Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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