i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
