My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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