I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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