turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
