Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Randomize
