If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize