I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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