So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
