Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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