I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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