I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
