i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Bring me that man meat
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
