Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
