dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
