Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
