Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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