what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
