Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
being pregnant is like rehab
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
FUCK WHALES
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
