You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I currently don't understand fingers.
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