do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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