when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
