You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
