omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
