Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
