Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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