you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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