I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
