I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
