He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
