thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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