then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
