Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
