It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
