Pants 0. Shit 1.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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