The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
