Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
